I had a really hard time after my daughter was born. I haven't been ready to talk about it until now. I don't know why, but last night I was reading chapter one in the book of Philippians and I was overcome with the sense that it was time for me to just get it all out. Strange thing is, it has absolutely no relation to anything in chapter one of Philippians - or does it? I don't know.
Post Partum Depression - I never went and had it formally diagnosed, but I did talk to someone who was in the know about it and I did study up on it and I am thoroughly convinced that I suffered from it and still at times struggle with what remains of it.
After I had my son I was fine - no mood swings, no weirdness...tired, as is normal, but fine. After I had my daughter - totally different.
I was not myself. I don't know who I was. All I know is that for the first few months I was a horrible person. I was up and down in how I felt and on numerous occasions I prayed and asked our dear Father in Heaven to take my baby. No, I am not a sick person - I just didn't think that she deserved a life with me. Everyday I got up and took care of her and her brother. I would look at her and think, "I can't do this, I am not meant to do this," and then I would pray and ask God to take her. THANK GOD FOR UNANSWERED PRAYERS! After a few months those feelings of self hate in the category of motherhood went away and I was more self hating for ever having prayed/thought that in the first place. It was incredibly hard for me and I truly felt there was no one I could talk to about it. I felt so guilty for how I had been in my mind that I was ashamed of myself. That is when I started thinking about death. I pretty much planned out how I should off myself on a daily basis. That lasted another few months. I had stopped praying that horrible prayer for God to take my baby, and instead I started praying for Him to take me - again, thank God for unanswered prayers.
It wasn't until about seven months after she was born that a light went on in my head and all those thoughts went away. I don't exactly know what happened to cause it, but it finally stopped. It was then that I realized that a lot in my life had gotten totally messed up during that time. Friendships had tanked, responsibilities that I had suddenly meant nothing to me and I was not in a good place spiritually. I eventually started praying again (praise God) and I realized that I needed to make some changes. There were things in my life that I was involved in (nothing bad - leadership roles) and I knew that in my current state I needed to be away from that. I had become such an angry person that every aspect of what was going on in my life affected me and it also had begun to affect my marriage and my family. Throughout the next two months that followed I made changes - I got back into the Word, I began seriously talking to God again and by January 2007, well, by then I had a renewed relationship with God and by golly, all that self hatred - it was gone. Giving the feelings over to God allowed Him to take them away. **I know that many with PPD don't have this happen so I am not implying something is wrong if you don't**
I still have days when I feel miserable. I can still be a bit moody. And sometimes I just cry and I really don't know why - but what I do know is that I have asked God in, asked for Him to help me, and I have stopped being so, well, so whatever I was that made me hate myself.
I don't know why I am writing this on a blog, except that I believe there may be a couple people out there who really need to read it and understand it in order to understand why I did some things I did. Also, I just want my readers to know that when I say I am gettin' real, I really mean it - this is reality, it is mine.
Item Category: Why I'm Here Item comments: http://awalkthroughthevalley.com/why-im-here/opening-up/#comments
Tolerance, defined, is the capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others.
Respect, defined in this context, is to avoid interference with.
A lot of people these days spout out about tolerance. It has become some sort of national pastime to tell people who speak freely about what is sin that they are "intolerant". I take issue with this - great issue. You see, my faith leads me to a point where I understand that God's Word in infallible. This means it is incapable of error; another definition says it is incapable of failure - both are correct. God's Word makes it incredibly clear what is and what is not sin. We have been given a handbook by which to live. God has laid out the Ten Commandments and then further gone on, through His Son, to tell us even more of what sin is. He then reaches even further, through various writers He chose (2 timothy 3:16), to share with us again the truth of what sin is. The Bible clearly states that things such as homosexuality, murder, adultery, witchcraft, lying, and so much more, are sin. In fact, after telling us time and time again that these things are sinful, God concludes His Word by letting us know in Revelation 21:8 that "the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars'-their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur." Is this intolerant? No, it is not - it is simply God's Law. He has laid it out in plain, simple, easy to understand language.
So, this leads me to modern society...
I have been asked on numerous occasions about my position on things such as homosexuality. My answer is always this - homosexuality is a sin. It goes against God, He makes it quite clear that it is a sin, and therefore if you are participating in such a lifestyle then you are in sin. Actively participating in a sinful lifestyle is actively shunning the Jehovah God of the Bible. If you believe that God is "ok" with that lifestyle because He is a "loving God" then you have created a god in your mind. The God of the Bible is clearly NOT ok with it. My position on this does not mean that I don't tolerate homosexuals. It does not make me a bigot. It just means that I follow what the God of the Bible says. The fact is, I do tolerate it. I do not interfere in another person's life because they choose to be gay. I do, however, voice my opinion when asked. I will not make a homosexual subscribe to my beliefs, but I will tell them what I believe. That is not intolerance people - that is a sharing of faith. I am not the one who says the sexually immoral will end up in hell - God said it, and if He said it then that is just how it is.
What's funny is that my saying this will more than likely fill my email with hundreds of messages from people who will tell me just how intolerant I am and who will try so very hard to persuade me to their thought patterns - yet, if I were to say they are intolerant, then I would just be an ignorant Christian. The double standards of man are so ridiculous, aren't they?
Taking this just a little further, I wanted to add that I am actually quite appalled by modern Christianity, more specifically the modern church, which turns a blind eye to the truth in God's Word. In the name of "tolerance" the church has dismissed what is so clearly against what God has taught us. Some would say this belief makes me a "radical" - I say it makes me a God-fearing Christian.
Item Category: Modern Christianity Item comments: http://awalkthroughthevalley.com/modern-christianity/tolerance-and-sin/#comments
21 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' 23 Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'
I was reading on another blog today where a lady posted a comment and basically said that when we get to Heaven, God isn't going to be sitting there dividing us up by denomination. Why yes, I thought to myself, she is correct. I seriously doubt that God cares what denomination we subscribe to - HOWEVER, if your denomination causes you to worship a god that it has created and not the God of the Bible then by golly, when you are judged, you will notbe going to Heaven. If you sit back and just "think" you worship the God of the Bible, I would like to challenge you to really reflect on what the Word says - on what God says - and really look into who it is your worship. Are you worshiping the God of the Bible? His Word is infallable. He is the same today as He was many years ago. His Word surpasses time. He has given us the guidebook for living - the handbook we so often say we need - it's there, written for us. He has made it clear what it means to worship Him. He has made it clear who He is. If your god is one who does not require what is written in the Bible, if your god is one that allows you to pick and choose what you believe and what you will stand for, if your god allows for hypocrisy, then my friend, you are not worshiping the God of the Bible and on the day of judgement you will be one who may have called out "Lord, Lord" but He's gonna look your way and say, "I never knew you."
I usually don't follow what I consider to be over-sensationalized news stories. This would include the multitude of missing persons and murder cases that you see. However, for whatever reason, I have found myself incredibly drawn to the Jessie Davis case. Jessie Davis was the pregnant woman in Canton, Ohio, that disappeared and has since been found - her boyfriend was arrested for her murder and the murder of her unborn baby. It is a horrific story, there are many details I could go into, but I can't - I could, but I can't. This story has had an enormous effect on me. I cry every time it comes on the news. I cry because it is just so horrible. I cry because of the two year old boy who watched his mother die (at least they think he watched based on what he has said). I cry for her family and their loss. I have found myself praying for them everyday - hurting for them - and searching for some form of understanding of it all.
So many people pose the question, if God is so full of love then why would He let such bad things happen? It is a very thought provoking question - one I have asked myself, many times. I have to tell you, today I saw a clear answer to it. As I watched the news this afternoon, and saw Jessie Davis's mom come out and address reporters, I saw the good, I saw a reason, and I saw what God was doing with this tragedy. You would think she would be raging, screaming at the man who killed her daughter and grandchild. You'd think she would be full of hate...you'd think...
But you'd be wrong...
Instead, she stated, "I am not the judge. I am not God and God is the ultimate judge." She then went on that the family didn't want vengeance, the want justice. She further went on, not to bash this man, but instead to ask for prayer - for his family. For his other kids, for the people in his life. This is a woman and a family that has gone through great tragedy and there she was, not judging, not raging, but instead acting in Christian love and compassion and requesting prayer for the family of a murderer. That is when it hit me - this is a horrible thing that has happened, yet, because of this horrible thing the Davis family has been able (on numerous occasions) to mention their faith, to mention God, and to mention how being a Christian is getting them through this. The tragic death of Jessie Davis has brought national attention to one family and their enormous faith in our Lord and Savior.
So, why does God allow bad things to happen? Well, maybe because in some cases those bad things lead to something great - like a nation getting witnessed to every night for over a week on national news. Praise God, He truly is mighty.
Please join me in prayer for these families...
Dear Heavenly Father,
God I pray that you watch over the Davis family as well as the Cutts family. Father I ask that you continue to work in their lives - that you bring peace upon the families. Father that you place your arms around each of them in their time of need. I ask, Lord, that you keep hearts from hate and instead continue working in their lives and helping them to shine for you. You have created an amazing witness in these people and Father I pray that your work remain. I pray that Jessie's family continue to know you deeper and deeper and that through their loss others will know you too. Father, I pray for the Cutts family - I can't even imagine how hard it must be for them. Their son did something horrible, God help them to also forgive and help them to be a vessel for you as well. I don't know what else to say, Lord, I just pray that you are with all of those involved. And Father, for 2 year old Blake, God help him to understand that his Mommy is with you. Help him to be a happy child who grows up in a loving home, help him to keep a pure heart despite what horrors he has seen so young. Father bless them, send your love and mercy. In Jesus' name, Amen.
I am absolutely honored right now - and I feel incredibly blessed! I received an email today telling me that my blog has been chosen to dispaly the Fruit of the Spirit graphic. Please click on it and read about the graphic. It is a wonderful project that really has touched my heart. I always say that if I reach just one person then I have done something good, and receiving this has made me realize that I have touched one person, if not many more. God really uses us in ways that we would never imagine and I have felt from the very beginning that He lead me to create this blog. I felt that through my life, God wanted to help someone else. Thank you so much to all of my readers for being there along this journey and thank you, Trish, for blessing me with this honor.
Item Category: Why I'm Here Item comments: http://awalkthroughthevalley.com/why-im-here/fruit-of-the-spirit/#comments
Ok, so this isn't inspirational or anything, but it is just what I am thinking about right now...
Do you ever find yourself just wanting to yell, "Darn that Eve!!!" Pain in childbirth, crazy womanly experiences...and don't forget that monthly visitor - AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, ok, so we can't blame it all on Eve, but still, there are days when I just want to yell that from the rooftops - and today is one of them.
Cookie Crisp - last week it was Kix, this week I am thankful for Cookie Crisp because Benjamin likes that more than ice cream or cake and it is better for him.
Cheese - what would I do without cheese?
Diet Coke - my new obsession.
The big tree in front of my house because it keeps us shaded when we play outside.
Grass - I much prefer grass over dirt.
Roses - the ones growing in front of my house are just beautiful.
The birds that come to our bird feeder every morning.
Dora the Explorer - she makes Benny happy.
The Backyardigans - they make Yeva happy.
Nick Jr. - for knowing what kids like and giving it to them.
TV - for being available (and I am not afraid to use it!)
Shoes that light up - my kids love them.
Hugs like the one I am getting right now from my little girl.
